A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store . To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
There’s a guy fishing off the breakwater one day and he gets this mighty tug on the end of his line. He sets the hook, and starts to reel the fish in. After 20 minutes or so the fish is exhausted and he gets landed on the rocks next to the fisherman. As he bends down to get the hook out of the fish’s mouth (a very nice 20lb salmon) the fish says,
‘’G’Day mate, how’s it going’’
The fisherman is gob-smacked.
‘Geez, a talking fish, I don’t believe it’ he said.
‘Oh don’t worry there’s loads of us down there. By the way the name is Rusty, what’s yours?
‘Well, my names Bob’ And they have a bit of a chin wag for a minute or so. ‘Look I can’t keep you’ said Bob and he puts Rusty gently back into the water and off he swims with a final wave of his pectoral fin and a flash of his tail he disappears below the ocean waves.
Well about 12 months later Bob is fishing off the same breakwater and gets an almighty tug on his line and guess what? As he reels the fish in and it’s about 10 yards out, the fish’s head breaks the surface and it’s his old mate Rusty.
‘Bob’ he shouts. How the heck are ya?
‘Rusty’!!!. ‘Well I’ll be blowed. Where have you been? Said Bob.
‘Well as a matter of fact, I’ve just returned from a trip to the North Atlantic and visited the Titanic. It is laying on the seabed, cold and dark. I swam inside the great ballroom and the original crystal chandeliers are still in place. The brass band instruments have a little silt on them, but otherwise everything is in pristine condition. Even the beautifully carved mahogany spiral staircase is there with the original Axminster carpet’ said Rusty……’’ I was so moved by the whole experience I have written a book of short poems
‘’Wow that’s amazing’’ said Bob. ‘’What is it called I’ll look out for it in the bookshops?’’
Wait for it!
Its coming!
"THE TITANIC VERSES OF SALMON RUSTY".
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'C*nt' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a C*nt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.
"Hello." "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?" "C*nt, I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.
Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works...
LIGHTNING NEVER STRIKES IN THE SAME PLACE TWICE
A strange myth because it is so demonstrably untrue. Lightning strikes many locations over and over again - high trees, tall buildings, mountain tops - and of course lightning conductors whose very purpose is to be struck time and time again.
A PENNY DROPPED FROM A SKYSCRAPER WOULD KILL A PERSON
Thanks to air resistance, it is unlikely that a small coin dropped from any height would be able to exceed 30mph. This would certainly be fast enough to give you a nasty bruise or cut, but it would not stand much chance of actually killing you.
WOMEN HAVE A HIGHER PAIN THRESHOLD THAN MEN
The research that has been done on this actually suggests the opposite - that women feel hurt at a rather lower threshold than men. But the results are inconclusive. The myth is usually accompanied by the statement 'because women have to give birth', but of course no one knows how men would cope with this experience!
MEN THINK ABOUT SEX EVERY TEN SECONDS
No one knows where this myth arose. It certainly didn't arise from any serious psychological research. The amount of time men spend thinking about sex will vary hugely from individual to individual but is unlikely, except in the most hormone-ridden teenager, to be several times a minute.
LEMMINGS COMMIT SUICIDE EN MASSE
The myth of thousands of lemmings - small Arctic vole-like rodents - hurling themselves over the cliffs of Norway was cemented in the popular imagination by a 1958 Disney documentary called White Wilderness.
In fact, the film-makers contrived this scene (it was filmed in Canada and tame lemmings were pushed over a prop cliff into a river). There is no scientific evidence that these animals commit suicide.
THERE IS NO GRAVITY IN SPACE
The Earth's gravity does diminish the farther away you travel, but even 220,000 miles away, it is still strong enough to keep the Moon in orbit!
Astronauts are 'weightless' not because they are in zero gravity, but because they are in an endless freefall (you would notice the same effect if you were stuck in a plummeting lift - you too would experience 'weightlessness'. Until it hit the ground).
BIRDS ARE STUPID
Some species of bird are among the cleverest animals known to science, and one or two may be smarter even than chimpanzees, particularly Corvids (crows and their relatives).
In 2002, a crow called Betty made the news when Science magazine reported that she was able to fashion complicated hooks out of pieces of wire to retrieve food from a tube (chimps cannot do this). It is now thought that some parrots may be able actually to understand - not just mimic - elements of human speech, and other birds have been seen engaging in hiding food and even playing tricks on each other.
NO TWO SNOWFLAKES ARE IDENTICAL
There is no hard evidence to support this. Snowflakes are aggregates of tiny ice crystals, which can arrange themselves into a fantastic array of beautiful, usually six-sided shapes.
The size, and shape, of a snowflake depends on many things: the temperature at which it formed, windspeed, impurities in the ice and so on.
While it is unlikely you will ever find two identical snowflakes, the chances that out of all the quadrillions that have fallen no two are exactly alike are slim.
HAIR AND NAILS CONTINUE GROWING AFTER DEATH
In death the body dehydrates rapidly and, as a result, the skin retracts, exposing more nail and hair. This gives the morbid optical illusion that both are still growing - but they're not.
WE DON'T KNOW HOW THE PYRAMIDS WERE BUILT
There is nothing particularly mysterious about how the Pyramids were constructed.
The Egyptians were excellent astronomers, accomplished engineers and superb mathematicians. With thousands of well-paid labourers available (the idea that the Pyramids were built by slaves is another myth), planning and building the Pyramids was no easy feat, but it was well within their limits of understanding.
They knew about levers and ramps, and their surveyors were able to align the Pyramids accurately by the stars.
BUMBLE BEES SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FLY
Unless the ancestors of the humble bee stumbled upon some sort of anti-gravity machine, it is pretty clear that this strange story must be untrue. In fact, anything can fly if it flaps its wings hard enough.
Bumble bees are big and hairy, but they are marvels of evolutionary engineering, and their powerful muscles make them excellent fliers, able to exceed 30mph in a straight line - without breaking a single law of physics along the way.
THE SEA IS BLUE BECAUSE IT REFLECTS THE SKY
In fact, the colour of the sea is due to a number of factors such as particles of sand and plankton within it and the colour of the sea bed. But the main reason that the sea appears blue is simply because water is blue.
WHEN IT IS VERY COLD, IT CANNOT SNOW
Tell this to a Siberian or Canadian shivering in a blizzard at minus 30C. There is no reason why snow cannot fall when the thermometer plunges, but it is true that in Britain, extremely cold weather and snowfall tend not to go together.
To get temperatures much below minus 10C, Britain needs a large area of high pressure to be sitting over the country. High pressure systems bring us dry air from the continental mainland, so snow rarely falls.
BATS ARE BLIND
Most bats have excellent vision. The myth arose because many species of bat also have a superb sensory apparatus called 'echo-location', a sort of soundbased radar, where high-pitched squeaks and clicks are emitted and the echo is used to build up a 'sound picture' of the world around them. This enables bats to hunt insects and avoid obstacles at night. But it doesn't mean they cannot see as well.
THERE IS A DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
There is no such thing, any more than there is a dark side of the Earth. The Moon always shows the same face to the Earth, so, the story goes, the other side must be in permanent shadow. There is no way that this can be true.
When we see a full Moon, the far side is indeed dark. But we see a full Moon only once a month. The rest of the time, sunlight falls partly on the side we can see, and partly on the far side. During new Moon - when the side facing us is dark - the far side is lit completely. There is no dark side of the Moon.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)
(Wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
You not Nissan Main Deala?"
-----------------------------------
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111
= 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase......... "Goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses, and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amazing huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s: very interesting ~~~
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying ~ Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors That would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a ...thresh hold..
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell. or was considered a ...dead ringer..
And that's the truth...Now whoever said History was boring ! ! !
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
---------------------------------
As Donald Rumsfeld ends his daily briefing to President Bush he adds: "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh No!" cries Dubya. After a couple of minutes he asks: "How many is a brazillion again?"
---------------------------------
A little girl is in line to see Santa.
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
No," said the little girl.
"She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
----------------------------------
Q. What is the difference between driving in the fog and 69-ing?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you
----------------------------------- There was this guy who had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name, oddly, was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with the new girl while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank, and Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.
What was he singing, you ask???
"I can see Clearly now.... Lorraine is gone..."
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in black, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.
When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker 'Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?
'''''''Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,' the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued,
'After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads'.
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom
because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of . ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel".
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
A beautiful large breasted blonde got into a cab in New York City. After traveling a few blocks, she realized that she had no money and immediately informed the driver, "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already."
The driver checked her out in the rearview mirror, "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."
"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied.
"Why is that?" asked the driver.
"This bra is only worth five dollars."
The Brunette asks, "What the heck is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says,
"YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
A few minutes later, five more blondes enter the bar and join the others at the table. There is much laughing and merriment, alternating with the ritual chanting of, "51 days! 51 days!". Finally, the bartender can no longer control his curiosity and he strolls over to the table to see what is going on. In the center is a picture of the cookie monster in a frame. When the bartender asks what the celebration is all about, one of the women says, "We were all tired of the blonde jokes about how dumb we are, so we got together and put this puzzle together.
On the package it said '2 to 4 years', but we all worked together and put the puzzle together in 51 days!"
01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there's no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Corporate Lesson 1: Share critical information pertaining to Credit and Risk
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 2:
Always be well informed
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,---
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said---
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 3:
Respect leadership hierarchy wisely
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep In astonishment, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 4:
Know your position in the corporate structure
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 5:
Advancement Strategies >
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
"Ma`am, I`m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I`ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That`s fine. Another thing, ma`am; I don`t like the way that one rein loops across the horses` back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That`s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said, the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I`m not sure, Jacob
.............something about the emergency brake..."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
01. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
02. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
03. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
04. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
05. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
06. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
07. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
08. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
09. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn off the engine
Other automakers will follow suit.
The Top 15 Features of a Windows Car:
· Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.
· MS-AA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.
· Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
· Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
· Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.
· "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.
· It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.
· It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
· Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
· Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says,
"It looks like you're going to work! Can I help?"
· You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
> · After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.
· Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.
· You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.
· You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you change CD's.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to Your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.
Pretty soon all the other vampires smelt the blood and began hassling her about where she'd got it. She told them to piss off and let her get some sleep, but they persisted until she finally gave in. "OK, follow me," she said, and spreading out her cloak, flew out of the crypt with dozens of other vampires behind her. Down through a valley they swept, across a river and into a huge city. Finally she slowed down and the other vampires milled excitedly around her, their tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that massive, great lamppost over there?" she asked.
"YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bloodsuckers all screamed in a feeding frenzy.
"Good!" said the first vampire, "Because I fucking-well didn't!"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals-unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up.
"I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
The doctor said, "Take him to the hospital and I'll meet you just as soon as I get there." He started putting on his clothes and was just getting ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again.
He answered "Hello?"
A very calm voice on the other end of the line said,
"That's alright doctor, we found another one, never mind."
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties, use them and throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to lose them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls took care of business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "Listen, these damn Girls Nights Out are gonna stop! Would you believe my wife came home last night with no panties!"
"Tell me about it," said the other guy, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well,
Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
The beggar thanks her kindly and then continues on.
Colin is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Colin. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
She replies, "And we weren't?"
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on this location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing faculty in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS_SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color 150 page report on this hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and at last turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of this car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now, give me back my dog."
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered," and had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari..."
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Psssssst" says the parrot... "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too."
Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards. When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, either. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, so he could see a little out of his left eye.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie."
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day."
Mary put her hand up and said --Moooo!
"Very good"replied the teacher, what sound do sheep make?
"Baaaa" answered Johnny.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
> Up against the wall, motherfucker!
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and.... "
"All right", said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?
" The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
But it also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife!
God said, No, you have another 43 years, 2 month and 8days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years to live? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Psssssst" says the parrot... "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."-----------------
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again."
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"
........................"Land mines," said the woman.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...."
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the balls. Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank... proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Isn't that good, Mommy?"
"Yes dear; that's very good." "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes dear; it's because you're blonde."
The next day, she came home from school and said, "Mommy, Mommy! Today at school we learned the alphabet.
The other girls could only get to F,
but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J!
Isn't that good, Mommy?"
"Yes dear; that's very good." "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, dear; it's because you're blonde."
The next day she came home from school and said,
"Mommy, Mommy! Today at school we went swimming, and, well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She open her blouse to reveal an impressive pair 36Ds.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, dear; it's because you're 26!"
"Is this the psychiatric ward?" says Tony.
"No," the ward sister replies. "It's the burns unit."
One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently............ They hear a sound... But it is coming from behind them!
They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them,..... into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom.
The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close!" We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat:
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it.
The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat must belong to the farmer and they decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?," one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?
" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast.
Besides, I had him tied to this big,old cinder block.
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
God said, "Ah, yes, "
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, "God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
"You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he asked.
"Aye, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what, I'm sailing off for America tomorrow.
Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you look after me." The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young blonde woman, and demanded an explanation.
The young woman came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night ... and he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied.
"He certainly is pet, this is the Shields Ferry!"
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here... Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes--it make it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin. An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."